Just Who is Little Karen Marie ?

About six months ago my anger and rage was reaching a all time pinnacle. I was snapping at everyone. Love one's and enemies alike got the same treatment. I would just snap at a drop of the hat. One day I almost came very close to a full assault on a fast food worker. I knew that things where getting very much out of control. I finally prayed to God to in some way help me overcome my rage or give me a understanding of it and its cause.

Well one day in the early fall I came home from work. I was glorifying the heights to which my anger had reached. How many people I was able to insult, threaten, and maybe just maybe if I were lucky had brought to tears. It was a great day. I was like a mad fighter pilot painting the pictures in my mind of downed people that I might have blown out of the sky ruining their day. Somewhere between sleep and mad evil glory my anger momentarily parted like clouds. That's when I started to remember a happier time in my life. I saw in my memories a playground that I barely remembered. All the fun equipment of play where there. The swing set that sat on the edge of the playground, the jungle gym, painted red and white that some how never rusted, the metal slide that would be so hot to the touch on a sunny day but today was very cloudy so it was cool and very fast. But in the center of the playground was a manual merry-go-round. It was not painted but remained metal gray as it did from the factory. It was older if not the oldest piece of equipment on the playground. A slight wind blew across the playground and even as heavy as the merry-go-round was it noisily rocked slightly to the side. It was greatest piece of equipment on the playground.

Still bouncing between sleep and conciseness I looked around the playground from my memories. I remembered that there where houses and a school around the playground, but all seemed to be gone. Just clear land as far as I could see, just me and the playground that's when I tried to slide down the slide. But for some reason it just didn't work. I just sat there stuck by friction I guess to the slide. I just stood up and walked down the lonely slide stepping off at the end. I found similar type things happen at both the swing set and jungle gym. I looked around even the sand in the sandbox was hard as a rock. Well, I just sat down. When I sat down I heard a soft creak. I was sitting on the edge of the merry-go-round. I lightly pushed with my feet and without fail the merry-go-round went around slowly. I was happy that one piece of playground equipment hadn't failed me.

That's when I heard a voice softly say "thanks, it's not fun when I have to push myself". I looked on the other side of the merry-go-round and there was a little girl holding on tight to the bars. Well, when I looked at her straight in the eyes she said "watch out you know that if look hard enough you will see yourself". Her words stunned me at first, I blinked before I really made eye to eye contact with her. She laughed and said "to late, in your heart you already know that I am you". I laughed at first, then she said "don't worry I have been here, where you left me long time ago. When you had to leave because they said you can't be happy playing in the playground when others weren't lucky enough to be able to have such a sheltered place to play. Then they took you away and said that you need to be tuff like they are and find your play items in the alleys and railroad tracks as others "boys" did. Do you remember looking towards me and the playground everytime they drove you by on the way to try to train you to be the tuff person that they always wanted? I remembered", she said "and I waited silently. Waving every time you drove by. Now enough of this emotional mess we have a merry-go-round to push. I'll push first and you ride, then you push I get to ride. O.K. jump on!" Well, she pushed me around and around without tiring. In my dream I shouted, "wow this is so great Karen!" She smiled while she was pushing me and shouted back, "See I told you that you knew who I was without me having to even tell you my name, Karen." I wasn't even shocked when I responded when she called me "Karen" I just smiled back. She responded to my smile saying, "I told you that you would just know in your heart that you are me and I am you" With that she pushed me around again.

Well I have never been the same ever since that way. Karen didn't ask me why I acted so meanly in the outer world, she just stood there pushing me around the merry-go-round. So things don't get to me the way that they used to. I'm still not completely the little innocent girl that I wished that I could be and every so often I have to leave the playground to go bash someone for attempting to run over me. But, every time I get but so far and I hear a small voice saying, "Karen its your turn to ride the merry-go-round. I'm pushing you now!" These days people wonder why my anger spurts seem to rise like a thunderstorm and then just fizzle out to a gentle rainbow. Little do they know that Karen has gone back to the playground to play on the merry-go-round with her long lost but found friend Karen.